The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
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Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.