The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
All. The. Damn. Time.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️