The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
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Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists