Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”