The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
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*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock