The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
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Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.