The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
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Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Florida man
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…