The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
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What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
My Plans 2020
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Life hack
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.