Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

Bit chilly again tonight.

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]