The cab driver and I got into a fight over who was going to drive me home from the bar last night

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I don’t want to seem desperate after a date so I usually text him 10 years later when he has a wife and kids.


Our foul, evil octopus has just learnt to suck loads of water directly from the end of the tank pump, so it can spray me with even more water than usual if I (the person she hates the most) step within a foot of her tank. I’m absolutely soaked


*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*


“And remember to talk to everyone like they’re a 3rd grader.” – flight attendant manual


carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it


Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”


DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
ME: Get my money’s worth.


[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu