So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
You Might Also Like
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”