The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
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ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.