Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?