Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

plums roundup

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

japanese corn

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

Who does Amazon think I am?

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

every single time

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*