Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!