Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

Breaking news:

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body