The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
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Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
sigh
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
*gets down on one knee*
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?