The cake is mightier than the sword.
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“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.