The cake is mightier than the sword.
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*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I put the p in pants.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
