The cake is mightier than the sword.
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Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?