The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
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“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.