The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
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I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Natural selection at its finest
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Social Media and Real life
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.