The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
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i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Spotted in New Orleans.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.