The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
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[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
when revenge coincides with naptime
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
thinking about a very short hotdog
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]