Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

Sell your car

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

S O O N

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

Guys, I found it.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

I’m putting together a team

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird