The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
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I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
The Joker was right
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede