Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

I think this might be relevant today.

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

Barbie gone wild

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”