The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
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Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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