The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
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me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best