The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
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I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
what
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Mountain Goat : )
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?