The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
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[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.