Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.