Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

My good tweets are in my other pants.

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase