THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
You Might Also Like
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Yup!
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.