Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

Me: You should take a bath

Kid: You can’t make me!

Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens

Me: You can’t make me!

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

Lol #dogsoftwitter

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with