The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
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How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
those birds must be on payroll
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*