The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
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[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant