The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
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Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Introverted vegans go meetless
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.