The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
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Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed