Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.