Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?

me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??

friend: it’s andrew garf-

me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys