The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
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I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
😏😏😏
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
huge if true: the moon
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.