The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
You Might Also Like
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Pikachu found the lost joint
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
all bases covered
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
stand with me against insufficient seating
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.