The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
