The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
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Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”