Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.