The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
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[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.