The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
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[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”