The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
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When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
This cat wants you to take your pills
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.