Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.