Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

is it too early for christmas memes

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.