Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

Netflix: We have Less

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.