The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
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Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Okay, I’m still confused…
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say