Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

The pen is writier than the sword.