Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself