The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
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[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
The two types of wives
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers