Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

happy valentine’s day to me

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂