Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.