The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
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My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.