Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.

TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!