Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

but that was my emotional support daylight

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

did it work

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”