Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats