The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
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If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
synchronized noseblowing
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?