Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
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I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
How to make infinite energy.
Will is weary of fame
Will runs away to the woods
Will dons a loincloth
Will eats bugs & berries
Will befriends a bear
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Can’t stop laughing 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.