The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
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Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
knights of the ikea table
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen