Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phones down.

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]