The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
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I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Best seat on the street 😍
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents