The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
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Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
the three branches of government
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
why is everyone yelling about nude ears
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
calling in to work dehydrated
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.