Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

🧠

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse