Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”