Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

I’m calling the cops.

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

You sure about that?

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

*gets down on one knee*

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*