the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
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A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Please vote for people who are attractive
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Wise advice
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”