The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
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Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Ugh but profoundly
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism