@BunAndLeggings

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

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@amydillon

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

@DumbConfessions

Wrong hole.

No. Still the wrong hole.

Only ONE in each hole!

Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.

-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.

@HatfieldAnne

If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.

@meganamram

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

@Aspersioncast

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

@upsidedowntrash

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

@xLiserx

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

@bransonreese

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

@GroovyTasia

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea