The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

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Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.


Wrong hole.

No. Still the wrong hole.

Only ONE in each hole!

Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.

-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.


If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.


Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name


Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?


GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!


Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!


Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.


I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea