The cashier just checked me out.
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I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account