The cashier just checked me out.
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“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I think this cat is broken
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?