The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
You Might Also Like
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.