The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
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Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.