Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee for people with no kids

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively